Indian parents are sadists

Attachment, fear and aggression

When the umbilical cord is cut and the physical connection with the mother ends, the emotional and spiritual connection with the parents becomes vital for the infant. If it does not succeed, there is a risk of neglect and even death. The private lecturer at the children's clinic of the Ludwig Maximilians University, Dr. Karl-Heinz Brisch, also heads the Department of Pediatric Psychosomatics and Psychotherapy at Dr. von Haunersche Children's Hospital in Munich. He outlines what attachment is good for:

"If a child develops a secure emotional bond with the parents, for example, during the first year of life and also in the second year of life, then it experiences little fear. And it can then explore the world very freely and curiously. If, on the other hand, the bond is insecure, Because the parents are insensitive, overly frustrating the child, or even being violent, the child experiences fear of the parents, but also fear of the world. That means: This child will not explore the world so freely, will not learn so well can, will enter into relationships fearfully, if at all, and will then also behave aggressively in relationship conflicts. "

A good connection gives security and stability. It's like that between parents and children. This also applies to technology or climbing. If you feel safe, you can enjoy the view while climbing. It is similar with children who feel secure. You can enjoy your life more carefree and get involved with your fellow human beings, develop compassion and empathy. Uncertainty prevents both: joie de vivre and empathy.

"If children even experience violence in their relationships with their parents, they are more likely to develop attachment disorders. And in situations where stress and strain arise, they are diverse, from tense to aggressive, hostile towards others. They also understand the intentions and feelings and Motivations of a counterpart are not good, because the ability to put oneself into the inner world of another grows and develops with the secure bond. "

In early childhood, learning is done through imitation; even a two-day-old monkey imitates the movements of a person in an attempt. Later you learn mainly from other people, i.e. in relationships, and the bond plays an important role here. Especially when it comes to not just imitating movements, but also using gestures and facial expressions to infer the feelings of the other person. A child who lacks attachment not only has difficulties in learning, but also in relationships, explains Karl-Heinz Brisch:

"Two adults meet, a man and a woman, who find each other nice and attractive, but one of the two is unable to understand the other's intentions and feelings, and he thinks, for example, the other person feels and thinks just like himself. He has no idea that he could feel, think or act differently, because the ability to be respectful, empathetic and understand that the other is an independent person with his own action and feeling intentions is not developed at all because this person has not internalized a secure bond, but rather an insecure or even an attachment disorder. Then living together with such a partner is extremely difficult. And you can immediately imagine how aggressive disputes and even violence can arise . "

Since a successful relationship also requires a certain amount of mutual understanding and mutual engagement, an incomprehensible partner can ruin a relationship, even if he doesn't intend to and tries hard.

"Of course, the same thing happens when such parents have children and cannot put themselves in the shoes of a baby or child. The likelihood of misunderstandings, misinterpretations of a child's behavior, accusations, accusations, violence is then no longer so far. "

Some child abuse is likely to be based on the parents' insufficient ability to bond. They just pass on what happened to them because they were never allowed to learn that you can treat each other differently. As a result, blaming "the women" or "the men" is wrong. The sharp increase in divorces is also likely to be related to this.

Do today's social problems - divorce numbers, school failure, or youth violence - already point to existing undesirable developments? Karl-Heinz Brisch:

"Oh yes! Today we see a lot of children who, in arguing or conflict situations, are really no longer able to even perceive that the other has their own intentions, plans, actions and feelings. Even when things get more aggressive and Boys, girls and children wrestle with each other, they fight with each other, they measure their strength, also want to assert their interests. But if the other is suddenly on the ground under the aggressive confrontation, then - if only by that of the human species, too actually inherent inhibition of killing - people usually stop beating each other. "

In almost all species, this inhibition of killing prevents conflicts of rank or territory from endangering the species' existence. This species-preserving pattern is therefore deeply anchored in the living being. Still, a lack of attachment and empathy can undermine it.

"If this serious lack of empathizing with the feelings of the other is caused by attachment disorders, then therapeutic help is urgently needed for such children, otherwise they will continue to behave like this."

Prevention is much cheaper than treating damage that has already occurred, because a therapeutic home place costs 3,000 to 6,000 euros per month. The programs run by Karl-Heinz Brisch at the Munich University Clinic - "Safe Education for Parents" or "Baby Monitoring" - counteract a lack of commitment.

In "baby observation", a mother and her baby come to kindergarten once a week and the children there experience for an hour how she treats her child. The educator asks questions that lead the children towards feelings. This improves behavior in the kindergarten group, there is less exclusion, fewer arguments and more games together. So you can definitely practice empathy.

It would be just as important to relieve parents enough so that they find enough time and strength to give their children a sufficient bond. And father and mother, because both are important. That would reduce the number of divorces, because many marriages break because of the excessive demands of work, children and partners. Then the father is usually missing. This can be a disaster, especially for boys. The child and adolescent psychotherapist Frank Damasch is professor for psychosocial disorders in children and adolescents at the Frankfurt University of Applied Sciences:

"In fact, we have 1.6 million single mothers with 2.3 million children. And of course the boys are particularly affected by the fatherlessness, the lack of fathers in the family. However, one has to say: It are not only the completely absent fathers that the boys miss, but we also have the phenomenon of single parenting when the father is socially present. "

The father who works a sixty-hour week or the one who is not interested in his children is almost as "absent" as a divorced father who can only see the children every few weeks. One year after the separation, 50 percent of the children no longer have an approachable father.

"Of course, this has a particular effect on the development of male identity, because male identity needs the mirror of a father who is turned towards him, a father who plays with the child, who fights with him, who is alive with the child identifying the boy with his own masculinity, as it were in his father's mirror. "

A father has many responsibilities. The boy needs him firstly as a role model but also as a friend and secondly as a person who shows him his limits:

"From a purely physical point of view, the boy has to notice from time to time: Aha, there is a father who is strong and he is stronger. And at the same time the father has to give him the feeling: Later you will be able to outdo me, you might be stronger be the bigger, the smarter. "

That is why the rough games between fathers and sons are valuable as long as they are loving at the same time and the mother looks at them benevolently. It's about bonding and controlling aggression.

Thirdly, father and mother show how to deal with differences of opinion, conflicting interests, how to deal with conflicts and how to make compromises.

Fourth, the relationship between the father and mother is particularly important for the boy:

"The son identifies himself not only with the manliness of the father, but also with the father's view of the woman, of the femininity, of the mother. That means, from the father he also learns his own femininity, his own inner motherhood to assume because the father has a relationship with the mother, a positive relationship. It may not always be harmonious, there are conflicts, but ultimately it is 'good enough', as we as psychoanalysts say. A 'sufficiently good relationship' between Mother and father and through this the boy ultimately learns not only to accept his own masculinity, but also to accept his own feminine parts and they have to be connected to one another. "

The balance between father and mother helps children balance the feminine and masculine traits in themselves. Girls also need the father to develop their masculine aspects. Children need role models in order to be able to form bonds successfully themselves and to be able to give their children the necessary bond.

If this balance is disturbed, they often have difficulties later in dealing with the opposite sex and as parents. Frank Damasch:

"The motherliness of an absent father, whether he is really absent or emotionally absent, gets a huge presence in the boy. And he has to make it smaller - in order to become a boy at all. And for that he actually needs the father, because alone can he doesn't, or a male role model, it doesn't necessarily have to be the biological father. "

If the father is missing, teachers, trainers in sports clubs or kindergarten teachers can be helpful. But many boys grow up - because there are no men - up to the age of ten, mainly looked after by women. They react more strongly to this deficiency than girls with behavioral problems. 80 percent of attention disorders (ADHD) affect boys. Boys are also much more likely to be involved in school failure and acts of violence.

A problem that many children suffer from is overstimulation. It worries most of the children who, due to a lack of successful attachment, learn poorly and understand their fellow men less well. Lutz Besser from Isernhagen is a specialist in psychiatry and psychotherapy, also for children and adolescents, as well as in psychotherapeutic medicine. He heads the advanced training center for psychotraumatology and trauma therapy in Lower Saxony. Terrible experiences, but also pictures, can hurt children. You then need treatment for this trauma:

"Yes, children are the most sensitive human beings. And children are simply frightened by cruel images. And so it happens that small children from kindergarten or from pre-school suddenly join in with media violence, with images of destruction, blood, murder, death Sadistic things, or being confronted with disgust. And these images trigger corresponding fear and stress reactions. Then it can be that after such a media trauma a child needs help for a longer period of time trembling, scared or even screaming. "

The child's brain does not yet have any protection against stimuli that it cannot cope with. So it makes perfect sense if, in the event of a terrible event, such as an accident, mothers wrap the child in their aprons and hide their face in their laps. There is a similar spontaneous reaction to protect the young child even in monkeys.

"Healthy mothers intuitively tried to protect their children from overstimulation in order not to feed their open sensory organs, their open eyes, their open ears and their open mouths with something that children cannot yet cope with."

Today, young people are allowed to consume media for an average of 5 hours; usually without checking the content. Violence and sex on teenagers' cell phones are more prevalent than parents believe.

"The way in which our society leaves children and young people alone is very, very, very worrying, with this excess of violence and sexual sadism."

The sneaky thing about many games, videos, but also advertising, is that they appeal to two valuable and important human drives, aggression and sexuality. That is why they work in adults and children. But especially during puberty it would be important for young people to learn to deal with it in such a way that they themselves and those around them would be happy. Because violence and sexual behavior are not innate, but are learned.

Particularly at risk are children who have difficulties with fellow human beings and learning because of a lack of successful attachment. They also use computer games more often. Lutz Besser explains why this is problematic:

"We don't have hardware in our heads, but our heads, our brains are plastic, like a wax tablet. And what I do with my brain, especially what I not only consume, but when it comes to the level of acting, of playing is, depending on duration, intensity and frequency, something that structures the brain. This has now become an important, clear, scientifically well-proven finding. And then of course I have to ask myself how do I want to structure children's minds ? "

Playing is the most effective form of learning. If games convey that violence solves conflicts, then this is stored in the brain and accessed in appropriate situations. Of course, the intensity plays a role. Anyone who tries out such games is unlikely to become more aggressive or even run amok. Especially if he was bonded enough in childhood.

"This basic trust that it is good and nice to be in contact with other people, this ability to bond, is actually a protection in the first place."

Not one hundred percent, but some games seem so inhuman and disgusting that you don't even want to play them.

"Young people need adults who dare to argue with them what it actually means when I use successful killing as my favorite game for weeks, months and years, then a discussion of values, norms and morals emerges that is necessary. And we just have to ask ourselves: Where are our ethics? "

If one looks at the genesis of the problem, then industrialization, world wars, imprisonment and economic miracles have contributed to the "fatherless society".

The emancipation and the subsequent redefinition of the male role could prove to be important intermediate steps, because Prof. Horst-Eberhard Richter, who as a psychoanalyst has been considering such questions for decades, suggests risking more "parentality". Just as children need both parents, women and men as "parents of this world" should feel, perceive and tackle the problems together:

"Parentality" does not only mean taking on the common task of preparing the next generation so that they may be better able to cope with social and ecological problems than we have done. But it also means expanding the horizon of social responsibility together. If we do not manage that, then our claim to power, which we have made unchecked and with insufficient consideration and sensitivity with the technical revolution, will endanger life on the planet. "