Will really love last
How does love work at a distance?
It starts so nicely, but when it comes to long-distance relationships, it is worth taking off your rose-colored glasses at the beginning and observing a few tips. Because when two identical hearts meet, who live in two different cities, love can either weld together or divide.
Long-distance relationships are difficult, but not uncommon. Because around every sixth person has had the experience of living a relationship at a distance. The reasons for a partnership with separate places of residence are extremely diverse: Long-distance relationships arise because of a career, stays abroad, or because you want to stay in the beloved city.
But holiday lovers or couples who have fallen in love while dating online also want to give their relationship a chance. Long-distance relationships have long since become the norm in our mobile information society, but does that also speak for them?
Long-distance relationships: Hope dies last
Does a love's happiness really depend on distance? Because no matter whether long-distance relationships or a love affair in the same city: Without the willingness to communicate and the very big feelings, every relationship is doomed to failure.
Because in long-distance relationships, the challenges per se are greater and more varied than in conventional relationships. Also of a different nature than what is known to cohabiting couples. In this respect, distance or weekend relationships are by no means doomed to failure from the outset. You just have to know what you're getting yourself into and follow a few tips.
Time and money management: love requires calculation
The spatial separation between lovers means a purely practical challenge: Expensive train journeys, annoying waiting in traffic jams, the broken household or the missed meeting with friends due to the constant commute do not make life and love any easier. Long-distance relationships therefore also mean double financial and temporal burdens. That has to be clear to everyone who wants their long-distance relationship to work. Spontaneity should therefore be saved for the actual meeting.
So that no misunderstandings arise, you should get yourSee you and plan conversationsand follow a few tips. For example, if he drives to visit you more often, offer to contribute to the travel expenses or invite him over the weekend. Even expensive cell phone bills from making a lot of calls are no fun, especially for students or interns. So a tip: For long conversations, make an appointment on Skype, for example, or sign a joint contract.
Proximity despite distance
A love relationship lives from closeness, emotions and intimacy. In long-distance relationships, these basic elements of a good relationship can be put to the test, but it is by no means imperative that the emotional closeness between the partners depends on their physical distance. On the contrary: Couples who fall asleep next to each other every day can also experience feeling lonely. Every love knows this hurdle.
Nevertheless, many couples find it easier to maintain the relationship if there are no actual distances between them and if there are regular meetings and time together. Because spatial proximity gives the chance to create a closer connection through tenderness, looks and other non-verbal gestures and also to be able to understand the partner better than just the spoken word on the phone. Anyone who attaches particular importance to physical contact, not only as a means of understanding, but also for the mutual exchange of tenderness or as sexual contact, will find happiness more difficult in a distance relationship than in a conventional partnership.
Those who enjoy rare, but perhaps more intense, meetings and caresses can also see a great opportunity in the distance. Those who constantly squat on top of each other often let their lust fill up with everyday life, while couples who have a long-distance relationship often report that the less often you see each other, the more exciting and the desire greater. Every meeting has a very special meaning.
Long-distance relationships are also a matter of type
The kind of relationship that makes a couple happy is not specified anywhere. Long-distance relationships can also be fulfilling. Provided the circumstances correspond to your own character. "Anyone who organizes their everyday life well and happily independently of their partner, has confidence in the love and loyalty of their partner, is not prone to jealousy and is not afraid of being alone, can feel comfortable in a long-distance relationship," says the SZ journalist Dorit Kowitz and author of the book “Come on Friday”, who is experienced in long-distance relationships.
On the other hand, those who long for an absolute fusion - both in everyday life and in the emotional - will probably not be happy in a remote relationship. In addition to these personal character traits, which make a long-distance relationship possible, a couple at a distance must bring one thing above all: mutual, deep trust. Dorit Kowitz's advice is: "You shouldn't constantly question or control the other."
Goodbye: strangeness instead of joy?
Mastering life without your partner is one of the greatest challenges, but also an opportunity for a long-distance relationship. Couples who have experienced long-distance relationships learn better to organize themselves on their own, and also have separate groups of friends and hobbies. But difficulties can also arise when the lovers finally see each other again after a long wait. Because the expectations of the reunion are often so high that disappointments are inevitable.
Even the feeling of strangeness is neither rare nor abnormal in the first few moments of reunification. Actually seeing is something else than calling. Therefore it should be said: Due to the lack of common everyday life, dealing with each other must first normalize again. Now nobody has to question their love right away, but simply give themselves and their partner some time to sniff. This experience has to be made.
Common rituals and observing other tips also help you quickly find your way into everyday life in a long-distance relationship. Perhaps you will first have a cup of tea and talk about the journey, do the weekend shopping or treat yourself to a cuddle on the sofa?
The holy weekend
A common danger in long-distance relationships is that couples try to make the weekend or the rare time together as nice as possible and neglect normal relationship work. Kowitz knows: “There is no point in ignoring problems for fear of spoiling the limited time. This is especially true when larger questions arise, such as career changes. " Even or especially in a long-distance relationship, you shouldn't be afraid to argue. On the contrary: It is not spatial, but emotional closeness that welds together. When it is said what is on the heart. By the way, in this regard, all couples are the same. Therefore a tip: only those who manage conflicts out of the world can keep love going. As in any other relationship, communication is the be-all and end-all.
Finally moving in together ... always a good idea?
After a long period of love at a distance, couples are happy when they finally found a way to live together. But as great as the anticipation is, sometimes the sober awakening is also considerable. Couples therapist Josef Lang explains in the NZZ: «The moment the partner returns is an important moment. This requires a new openness and getting used to. The partner may have changed and suspicion may arise. Love has to find itself again first. " It is important not to doubt love even in such moments, but rather to give the relationship a chance through patience and communication.
After all, now is the time to find out whether they harmonize with one another in everyday life. In addition to getting used to everyday relationships in one place, the new closeness often brings with it another challenge. It is not uncommon for the new partner to be foreign to his new home. He has few social contacts or those that come from the other partner's circle of friends.
This fact often takes a lot of getting used to, especially for people who have been able to determine their leisure time independently due to the long-distance relationship. The only thing that helps now is patience, mutual understanding, sharing your own experience and believing in the relationship. Couples who have successfully mastered a long-distance relationship will sooner or later also overcome this hurdle.
In addition to the best tips, this is especially helpful: Roll up your sleeves and spare no effort that is good for the relationship. Incidentally, this does not only apply to long-distance couples, but also to everyone else. Our relationships and our love only work if you take care of them - whether at a distance or close by!
All tips at a glance
1 Connect goals: Arrange a new time for a reunion every time you leave. Common goals create anticipation and bring motivation to the relationship.
2 love talisman: In order to keep longing as low as possible, it helps many if you have a souvenir of your partner with you. This can be a photo in the wallet, a gift item of jewelry or an item of clothing from the partner (e.g. scarf). This also strengthens the sense of togetherness.
3 create everyday life: Relationships are shaped by everyday life. Tries to create a common everyday life despite the distance. Fixed telephone times can be helpful here. It is important, however, to use the common rituals in a binding but flexible manner. Neither partner should feel reset if something happens to the other and they can no longer call.
4 Sweeten life: Even if you can't conjure yourself up in the place of your loved one, you can integrate yourself into your everyday life with little surprises. Give your boyfriend or girlfriend a note every now and then. This can be a created playlist with shared favorite songs, a shared photo, or tickets for the next visit to the cinema. In this way you participate in the other person's everyday life and let them know that you are thinking of each other. Give it a try!
5 Seeing instead of hearing: Couples who rarely see each other should not be satisfied with the voice of their loved one alone. Telephone connections that run over the Internet have long made it possible not only to make calls but also to see the person you are talking to. It makes a huge difference whether you can only hear your partner or also see them.
Cover picture: Stockbyte
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