Is familial love real love
Why does the love for the partner go away?
Wrong choice of partner: The partners do not match.
A person who is completely different from what we are ourselves can seem very attractive at the beginning of a relationship. We admire him B. for the fact that he always has something to say, always confidently expresses his opinion or is reserved and calm. If we live with such a person, admiration can turn into rejection.
We suddenly see him as talkative, inconsiderate, or boring - even though he hasn't changed. In addition, at the beginning of a relationship we usually try to present ourselves to our partner in a better or different way than we really are. We do everything to please him. We do things just to be with him, even if we don't enjoy them. Over time we realize that our partner ticks differently in many respects than we had the impression.
Wrong ideas about love and partnership
We begin a partnership with the idea that our being in love and sexual attraction will stay alive on their own. If they let up, then we believe we have not chosen the right partner. However, being in love and love are very different feelings! Falling in love is a temporary exhilaration that arises because we idealize the partner, see only their positive sides, and usually find them sexually attractive. Love, on the other hand, is a rather quiet feeling that shows in the fact that we accept our partner with strengths and weaknesses and support them.
One of the two partners or both are changing.
In the course of the partnership we are confronted with changes. Our bodies change, we start our professional activity, we change jobs, become unemployed, go into debt, get married, have a child, the child leaves the house, we retire, a family member falls ill or our parents die. This means that we ourselves and our partner have to adjust to changing situations again and again.
Crises always have an impact on our feelings and our behavior. We are irritable, unjust and reproachful towards our partner. Perhaps we also use pills, overeating or alcohol because that way we can endure the crisis better. This can of course also lead to conflicts with the partner.
Maintaining the partnership is neglected.
After the fall in love phase, other areas than our partner become more important to us. We look after our careers, build a house, have a child, invest time in our hobby, etc. Many partners overlook the fact that our partnership also needs care. We have to take time for our partner, let him share our thoughts and feelings, talk about disappointments and be interested in his. We have to develop love rituals in which we do and experience something together with our partner.
There are no more common goals.
A good partnership is like a team in which both team members pursue common goals. If both partners strive for the same goals, then this contributes to the cohesion of the partnership. We can motivate and support one another and celebrate progress. However, unforeseen hurdles can also give rise to conflicts. If a partner changes z. B. his values, needs and goals, there is no longer anything connecting.
Unrealistic expectations of the partner
Some people begin the partnership with the hope that their partner will change in one way or another, or that they can change him. In principle, changes are possible at any time, but a partnership should not be built on such a basis. It should be such that you basically accept your partner as he is - even though you would prefer to have some things differently about him. The moment you ask him to change, he doesn't feel loved or pressured. There are arguments and maybe even that he rejects us.
A partner is unable to love.
Some peculiarities and behavior patterns of our partner that stand in the way of our love, we only discover in the course of the partnership. So we enjoy it at the beginning of our partnership z. B. to be showered with attentions and compliments from our partner. But over time it turns out that behind it there are completely different motives than love for us: Our partner has a low self-esteem and clings. He restricts our lives and controls us. If we do not follow his demands, he may become aggressive.
Love is a duet. If it disappears in one, the song falls silent.
Adelbert von Chamisso
Perhaps over time we will also discover that our partner is only with us because he is afraid of loneliness. Or our partner is afraid of closeness and a close relationship. Therefore, he does not talk about his feelings and avoids conflicts. Or our partner has a negative outlook on life, despises other people and bullies them. This is how we become victims of his bitterness. Our partner is dependent on addictive substances or suffers from another form of addiction (e.g. gambling addiction, sex addiction). His thoughts and behavior revolve around his addiction and not about us and our partnership.
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