Have you ever been treated like filth

How best to deal with borderline girlfriends?

Make it clear to yourself that SHE needs what she's doing right now. It is basically not a statement about YOU, but about your condition at the moment. The more she meets you / wants to meet you, the worse she is in the moment. You have to try to maintain a detached stance - maybe viewing her as sick or disabled at the moment. If she had gastrointestinal flu, she might not make it to the bathroom and throw up in the bedroom - then you wouldn't be mad at HER for knowing that the incident was illness-related and not a provocation or anything . Even so, you would of course be angry because the bedroom carpet would be ruined for now. But you would be able to separate these two feelings and not reproach her about it.

Now try to see your girlfriend as well. Take deep breaths, distance yourself internally, make it clear to yourself that she somehow needs these outbursts now and that no statement is made about you personally. Keep calm. Do not let them provoke you. It is possible that she is secretly hoping that you will let yourself be provoked because she would then have more reasons to be angry and let her frustration on you. Think about whether you want to respond to their demands or withdraw. For example, if she yells at you that you never do anything in the house and the garbage can was not brought down again, you could take the garbage down without a word or simply say, "I'm going for a short walk / to my friend / etc." and go out. Then she would be alone with her frustration, would increase it for the time being and later, when she has worked up again, you could possibly talk to her (e.g. whether it was really your job to take out the garbage or whether that was really the reason for the Was anger).

I would also announce in quiet moments: "If you yell at me and it becomes too much for me, I will go out / go into the study and lock myself in to be alone / etc. If you need me urgently, you can give me one Send SMS and tell me what you need right now, but I won't let you yell at me and insult me ​​for a long time. But I'll be happy to help you if you need something from me (consolation, practical help, etc.). "

What doesn't work (my experience with people who are presumably narcissistic): Shouting back. Argue in the situation. Hope for understanding.

What helped me: stay calm, do not allow yourself to be provoked, stay calm / relax, if necessary, comply with the demands wordlessly, preferably cheerfully but calmly respond to the statements that are not a personal insult, do NOT defend yourself under any circumstances or even just explain! Any explanation will later be ripped off and lead to endless arguments. E.g. bringing down garbage: "Oh, I didn't know it was my turn!" - "Of course, the household is a woman's business too, we can always do the dirty work! * Swear words / condescending statements about men in general / you personally etc. *" - "Well, I cleared the dishwasher this morning and the dishwasher yesterday Garbage brought out! " - "And what am I doing? Have you ever thought about it? Have you ever done something for me without self-interest ?!" etc. You cannot win. So don't try that. In the worst case, this leads to the argument and anger being prolonged beyond the acute phase of anger. Such people often keep meticulous records of every injustice against them by others, but forget every injustice they have done to others or have explanations for it that usually make the other person even worse.

Keep a record of "mistakes" you make and avoid them later. E.g. if she is angry cleaning, do not offer any help, this only leads to more anger (possibly) because she then has less reason for her anger, which she would like to act out.

Test what may reduce or prevent outbreaks. In advance, compliments, consolation, regrets, small gifts, surprising tasks that you have taken on instead of her (without notice), etc. But be careful: Taking on tasks can also mean that she becomes "unemployed" and thus even more frustrated because she is not feels needed. So: testing.

Do some research on self-care.

This is very important! Make sure that you don't miss out, that you have a balance, that you come down faster (if you are offended etc.), that you can relax and regenerate. Ideally, find something that quickly brings you down, distracts, relaxes, gives you new strength and prevents you from building a grudge against them. E.g. Sports or certain music could help, but maybe. also a junk journal (write down everything that annoys you about her, tear up pieces of paper and throw them away) or a good friend who would like to listen to your frustrations in this case.