What is it like to have a teenage mother
Mother-Son Relationship: What To Look For In Your Teenage Boy
Mother-son relationship during puberty
Even if this irritates many mothers at first: When the dear little one turns into a rebellious teenager who no longer likes to be told what to do and what not to do, this form of resistance is not a sign of a lack of affection, but of maturation. In order to loosen the intense bond with the mother, boys sometimes become provocative, stubborn or inaccessible. But don't worry: it will pass again.
The mother-son relationship is usually the first important intensive bond for a boy. How this bond is experienced by him shapes his entire psyche, but especially his attitude towards women.
- In principle, the following applies: If the maternal bond with her son is loving and strengthening, the boy learns to develop basic trust in people and in the world. However, if it is not strengthening, but stressful and / or irritating, various problems can arise later.
Men who were frequently beaten or otherwise mistreated by their mothers as boys often have problems in intimate relationships with women in later life. Among other things, they fear, for example, of being badly treated or punished, but at the same time they often harbor latent aggression against women. For example, if they were never allowed to show anger at their mother, they learned to permanently suppress this feeling. Later, however, this “stored” aggression reappears in inappropriate situations, e.g. B. when the partner arouses feelings similar to what the mother did back then. Men who were shamed, beaten or injured by their mother as a child often find it difficult to gain deep trust in their partners, to open themselves emotionally and to surrender. They are quick to feel attacked, often react violently to criticism, and briefly behave as if they were an angry little boy. And that's how they feel: small and helpless.
Conversely, adult men also have problems that were overly pampered, spoiled, and idealized by their mothers in childhood. These men often find it difficult to emotionally disconnect from their mother. Turning to other women emotionally fills “Mommy's Darling” with feelings of guilt. The mother's opinion is then “sacred” to such men; to disappoint them or to represent a different opinion seems impossible or outrageous to them.
Even if this sounds like an exaggeration to you, scientific studies actually suggest that boys are more likely to be spoiled by their mothers than girls. Girls tend to be brought up to be more independent, boys are often breastfed longer, cuddled more extensively, cooked for and looked after longer. The reasons for this are unclear.
- But the fact is: A loving, supportive bond between mother and son is of paramount importance for the healthy psychological development of a boy. But it is just as important that he is allowed to detach himself from his mother in an age-appropriate manner.
Mom's boy, no thanks! Why letting go is so important now
The classic mother’s boy who lives with “mother” well into old age and on the one hand allows her to serve her, on the other hand feels responsible for her happiness, is rarely seen in reality. Nevertheless, there are quite a few men who have a “too strong” or a complicated inner bond with their mother. These men could not adequately relieve each other for various reasons. Reasons for this are common
- a high need of the mother, for example in the case of chronic or severe organic disease and little help from other people,
- a high need of the mother due to psychological problems such as depression, addictions, etc., and little help from other people, such as partners, parents, friends,
- the mother's massive fear of loss, for example if she lost her parents or even her own child at an early age,
- traumatic experiences of the mother, which she had especially with men, and her high need for protection, which the son perceives.
In all of these cases the mother binds her son to herself excessively (unconsciously!): He does not get “permission” to become independent and to go his own way. Men who have been “brought up” in this way often find it difficult to courageously and confidently pursue their own goals. But they also have massive problems in love relationships.
To avoid such undesirable developments, it is important that mothers not only love and accept their teenage boys, but also let go of them in a positive way. This includes, among other things:
- to accept that during puberty other people and caregivers become important to the teenager - even more important than mom,
- to understand that the young person needs a good amount of freedom to try things out without being constantly monitored,
- to accept that the dear, good son may turn into a bad-tempered and sometimes unruly guy whom you hardly think you know,
- to respect that tastes, interests and hobbies can change,
- to understand that any aggression against the parents is usually quite normal attempts at demarcation.
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