How do straight men seek gay sex

Is Sex Among Gay Men Really Easier And Better?

I always joke that I have had two "first times" in my life. I didn't have my first sexual experience with men. I had sex with a woman long before I became aware of my homosexuality. And back then - as a boy, it just felt right to be a girl - I was also quite proud to have finally lost my innocence. Less because it was the greatest night of my life (embarrassing five minutes in the dim light is more likely), more because it was behind me. And because many fears that everything could go wrong turned out to be unfounded.

I was all the more relaxed when I was about to lose virgin status for the second time and had sex with a man for the first time. Of course I was a bit excited, but in the end the procedure was more or less the same and I was able to enjoy the whole thing a lot more. And ... it was great! Because I was grown up and more relaxed and just focused on bringing joy to myself and my partner. The fact that my counterpart was finally a man helped of course.

Push the buttons

Often when I talk to friends about this topic, I am confronted with their idea that sex between gay men is definitely better and less complicated. After all, men know exactly what the other wants - and non-binding affairs would also be more relaxed, because men basically always want to have sex at any time.

Of course, I can't give a blanket answer to whether gay men really have better sex. But I doubt it. Ultimately, the chemistry between the two protagonists of a love game has to be right - and that should apply to straight people as well as non-straight people, right? I would not subscribe to the thesis that only men know where the buttons are in men that have to be pressed. Just starting out with yourself is never the right tactic to give the other person pleasure. What suits one person may be a horror for another - I made the experience relatively quickly. So if you don't define reaching the climax as quickly as possible as the non-plus-ultra of sex (which is actually a simpler affair with men than with women in most cases), I would totally disagree: man-man sex is not better than man-woman sex per se.

A walk in the park

But what about the second hypothesis? Is it true that men can agree on sex more quickly and easily than men with women? Here, too, there are exceptions - but by and large: Yes! I didn't have to be in the scene for long to find out that fast, non-binding sex is basically within reach on every corner. And sometimes even closer than you think.

I had an online date with a man a few years ago. We wrote back and forth for a few days, found each other nice and decided to get to know each other personally. There was a large, wide park near my apartment at the time, which was ideal for long walks and long conversations. So in the early evening we met, strolled comfortably through this park and had interesting conversations very quickly. In the course of time it got darker and the atmosphere became more intimate: People automatically walked closer together and our voices also got quieter, as if we wanted to avoid passing passers-by from hearing us. (Also interesting: "No fat people, no Asians, no queens": The discrimination among gays must finally stop!)

At some point we started kissing. Not wrong, I thought to myself. But as the kisses got wilder and the hand gestures more and more courageous, I began to be puzzled. "Do we want to get out of here quickly?" He said. "I really want to give you a blowjob now!" Oops. My date couldn't go fast enough. "Here?" I tried to be as cool as possible. "Of course! You wanted to meet here, didn't you? It's dark enough already ... Now it goes." Ok, I got it. My suggestion with "Let's go for a walk" was interpreted on my date as "I like outdoor games".

Boys just wanna have fun

Can you hold it against him? Looking back on my experiences at that time in my dating time, hardly anything. Especially digitally, people talk openly and bluntly about the search for sex. This goes so far that on almost all portals, in addition to the items "Search friends" or "Search dates", you can also make "Search sex" visible to everyone by default on the profile. Or the written phrase that is probably sent every minute by copy-paste to a crowd of singles and with which everyone who has ever been to a gay dating site has made: "What are you into? Want to have fun?" I think this open approach is very good. You don't have to expect anything worse than a no. And in the best case scenario comes a yes, sometimes even with 10 exclamation marks. (Read here: "Unouted, male, 40, looking for ..." - The sad truth about men with double lives)

So also a big yes to the question of whether gay men can have sex more easily. Could this behavior be transferred to heterosexuals? Many studies hold against it, arguing that the desire for sexual intercourse is due to the testosterone level, which is of course much higher in men than in women. In addition, sexuality and arousal in women are much more of a "head thing", men are much more susceptible to physical stimuli. Hence the popular belief: "Women want less sex, men more."

I am not a sex researcher - and especially not a woman. Therefore, I do not want to presume to propose theses about the lust behavior of women. But I actually have one advice ... and it applies to all genders with all sexual orientations: lust for sex is nothing to be ashamed of as a single. An open approach saves time and a lot of nerves. And nothing should stand in the way of consensual sex. But: Clear communication is the be-all and end-all. That would have made life easier for my date from back then. Then he would have invited me to his home immediately - and not have walked through a park for two hours.


Our author Paul Sattler is gay and lives in Munich. In his column “GQueer” he writes about life as a homosexual in a heteronormative world. All other parts of the column can be found here.Do you have questions, criticism or want to talk about your own experience? Write to our author at [email protected]

#NewMasculinity - a project by GQ

GQ was the modern man's magazine from the start. But there is no longer one modern man, instead there are many different types, role models, self-definitions. With the #NewMasculinity project, we want to celebrate the diversity of masculinity today - and dispel clichés and traditional definitions of masculinity. All GQ topics related to the new masculinity can be found here.