What things really make a couple incompatible?

The real reasons couples decide they are incompatible

It may be obvious, but like most wisdom we think we know, but what we only understand intellectually must be repeated: No two people are alike. We all have different personalities and interests. And even if our personality and interests were somehow identical to those of our partner in every way, it would be even less likely for us to always react identically to things or to pursue these interests at exactly the same time in exactly the same way. Hence the need for continuous compromise - and unfortunately the common cause of many relationships breaking up.

At least that's what many of us think. "We just grew apart," we will say. Or: "We just want different things." And from these feelings sometimes other, more vicious ones arise: "I don't love him anymore." "You make me Crazy." "I don't even to like him now. "Although every situation is different, although the relationships are extraordinarily complex and undoubtedly some couples should not staying together, a more likely explanation for why couples broke up than one or both partners actually changed (although, of course, it does sometimes) is that one or both partners lost their ability to tolerate their incompatibilities. That is, although one or both of them can have partners began Their relationship with wide open eyes and full acceptance of these incompatibilities (initially referred to as "differences") gradually faded over time.

I would argue that this happens because of a fundamental psychological bias: loss aversion. That is, couples break up because people have evolved to notice and weigh more heavily on what causes them pain than what gives them pleasure.



Imagine for a moment if we weren't wired that way. Imagine all the good things your partner has done, all the good things your partner is, have been drawn to you with constant force and without conscious effort on your part while you have had to constantly struggle for yourself to focus on - even on notice- Your partner's mistakes and all the time he or she has irritated or disappointed you. (You may think that this is actually bad predominates the good in your current relationship - and that may actually be true. But maybe the reason it's true is because you Not Of course, focus on your partner's good qualities, rather than yours, so you are getting more out of bad than good.) If all the work were taken out of appreciation, how would your relationship change?

All experiences - all relationships - are made up of good and bad parts, good and bad moments. Like us Experience Relationships, on the other hand, are a function of what we do note about her, moment by moment. Treating pain preferentially may give us a survival benefit, but it makes relationships difficult to sustain in the long run and explains that the oldest stereotype - that relationships require work.

Couples bend over and twist into the most uncomfortable positions to rationalize, adjust, suppress, and ignore uncomfortable interactions with one another. But perhaps the reason so many couples don't stay together in the long run is because these positions eventually become too uncomfortable - that these strategies by which we tolerate our partners run counter to our most basic evolutionary programming.

If we have to work to make relationships work, then we wouldn't be better off Clever rather than heavy? That is, because no matter how hard we try, we can't stop ourselves from focusing on the evil, maybe we should stop to attempt. Instead, we should make sure that we are consciously focusing our attention on what is good, a strategy I discussed at length in a previous post. How to deal with frustration. That said, we should implement a simple "if-then" rule (i.e., make it a habit): Anytime we feel negative about our partner for any reason, we should acknowledge the legitimacy of that feeling and then give us a call about our partner we like. It doesn't have to be something good that is just as great as the bad that started us. Nor should we - and this is crucial - expect this to destroy our negative feelings. Rather, we just need to respond to these feelings - to remind ourselves that our evolutionary urges can only dominate us when we are lazy, even though we are not responsible for what attracts our attention.



In the end, you can decide that you and your partner are incompatible anyway. But if so, it's not because you passively allowed your pain aversion to paint a picture of your partner's personality and behavior that only tells half the story. That said, it won't be that you haven't bothered to find enough good to make up for the bad. It will be because what you really found wasn't enough.