What ruined your relationship with your mother

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It doesn't always have to be the great deception, the secret fling or the theatrical argument. Sometimes it's the little things that hurt us especially and slowly poison our relationship. According to the findings of psychology, a negative comment from the partner stays in our memories much more strongly than a positive one.

The psychologist Rick Hanson: "Negative events stick in our memories like a Velcro tape, positive results and compliments, however, ricochet off us like Teflon."

Five times as many positive moments

This is why researchers say: in order to have a stable relationship, the positive moments have to overlay the negative ones. Also numerically. This is how Dr. John Gottman found in his studies that we need five times more positive moments for a negative in order to have a stable relationship. Very unhappy couples have numerically more negative than positive interactions. The renowned US psychologist further explains, "A certain level of negativity is necessary in a stable relationship, but positivity fuels the flame of love."

Psychologist Alexandra Solomon has identified three sentences that you really should never say to your partner. Because the recipient usually reacts to your message with a defensive attitude and annoyed. That removes us further from our partner. The climate is getting colder, the clay rougher and it will be difficult to fill this gap again.

If you really loved me then ...

When we say this sentence, we want the partner to do or say something specific (for us). The problem with this is that we are emotionally blackmailing the partner by assuming that he or she does not love us. So we are questioning the very foundation of our relationship. If the partner counters him in the same tone of voice, tensions are inevitable. Because one possible answer from the partner could be, "And if you loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do that" - Ouch!

Better: create intimacy and openly formulate what is going on in you. The following applies: whining is prohibited. One formulation could be: "It is difficult for me to understand what is preventing you from doing XY."

Why isn't it between us like it used to be?

Obviously, when people say this phrase to their partner, they have trouble recognizing that love and a relationship change over the years. But to mourn the first infatuation for years, devalues ​​the relationship as such.

Better: formulate what you think, need and want right now. Like: “I would like to have a massage now” or “Let's do something nice on the weekend”.

You are like your mother / father

In all honesty, who wouldn't that saying be a slap in the face for? “As long as this statement is not accompanied by an absolute compliment, just leave it! Even if there are indications that speak for it, ”recommends Alexandra Solomon. The partner feels attacked in any case and automatically goes into a defensive position.

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Better: address the partner's behavior that is specifically bothering you, such as: “You are just getting very loud again. That frustrates me and I don't want to be around you. "