Why is my father getting angry

Can i be a good father

To me it sounds a lot like both the father and middle son have AD (H) S.
This really reads like the many other stories and experiences I know about it. And I know a lot.
This is supported, for example, by the fact that the son can hardly concentrate, the father's as well as the son's low tolerance for frustration, the trouble with criticism, the impulsiveness and the lack of self-esteem.

Sure, every child would rather play outside than do their homework. But here there really seem to be problems that are always an issue.
The son doesn't cry because he's stuck inside. He's crying because he really WANTS to meet expectations, but CANNOT. The frustration arises from this large gap between intention and result. He doesn't understand why it doesn't work.
The father's inability to criticize results from similar experiences in childhood. If you are constantly criticized, although you try to make an effort, it damages your self-confidence and at some point you defend yourself with hands and feet against any criticism in order to protect yourself.
The impulsiveness is also very typical. You start talking, the thought is already somewhere else, you are too upset and confused to collect clever words and to pack them into sentences as pleasantly as possible for others.
So you say things that you regret later, often trample on others or sometimes don't even notice when you've said something hurtful.

Children with AD (H) D are incredibly sensitive and do not respond well to a strict hand. After all, it's not laziness that makes them fail.
If you constantly try to please the parents / the environment, but the result does not fit this intention ... then you may give up at some point. Self-esteem drops, you consider yourself incompetent, you get angry.

Remaining undiagnosed often means that you have a bumpy road ahead of you. It is often marked by school problems, references, dropouts, and job changes. But problems can also arise in relationships, the accident rate is significantly higher, as is the risk of addiction, because those affected often try to treat themselves.
It is usually the case that they cannot reach their full potential and get stuck in jobs that actually do not challenge them - simply because they do not have access to their own skills.

The family should consider getting tested. Or the father and the sons (all three). AD (H) S is inherited. It also occurs very differently for everyone. It may be that the eldest son does not have any of it, or it is only so weak that it does not affect him. It may also affect the youngest, especially when they go to school.

People with AD (H) D are not stupid, lazy, or broken.
They just process information a little differently. Unfiltered. Chaotic.
The metabolism in the brain is not like neurotypical people. So it's the chemistry.
For this it is often said that they are especially compassionate, creative and fair-loving.
There is no need to praise or condemn AD (H) S. It is what it is.
Not a catastrophe, but also not a wonderful talent that should be preserved because it makes your own child stand out from the crowd.
The following three things can happen in the future:

- It grows together with age
- It remains and is so weak that you learn to deal with it
- It remains and is so pronounced that it affects life

Please do not medicate treatment without accompanying therapy. And please have the diagnosis made by a specialist. The pediatrician is NOT a specialist in AD (H) D.

I consider the father to be a very involved man and I am confident that he will not ignore this possibility.
It would be a shame to avoid a clarification because you fear the stigma of a diagnosis or you have insufficient information about AD (H) D.
Many sufferers suffer from the fact that they were diagnosed very late and have failed so often in life that their self-worth can never recover from it.

I hope that this will help father and son get on a green branch and understand each other better.
After all, they basically seem to tick in exactly the same way and are more similar than you might know.