Is loneliness a constant companion

Solitude - my constant companion

who knows this?
I know it's my own fault for my loneliness!
I am the one who retires and prefers to be at home alone. And I'm not even bored! I always find something to do, to look at, to read ...
Still, I worry that I'm mostly alone and that I want to get out of this self-chosen solitude.

So that you understand me a little better:
I'm almost 40, single, pretty good-looking (at least I am told), fun-loving ...
I have been living in Spain for 2 years. Before that I grew up in Germany with two brothers. When I was 21 I left home because of work and from then on the loneliness slowly crept in ... I moved about 80 km away. On the weekends I kept coming back for the first 2-3 years, then I started to build up a circle of friends in my new hometown. The years passed, my parents moved to Spain, a brother too, friends established relationships ... And I started myself feeling really lonely. So not like now. Now I don't really suffer from my loneliness, but then ... then already. Because I missed my parents, my brothers, close friendships and in order not to have to suffer any more, I must have unconsciously cut myself off from my environment.
I always had brief relationships in between.
When we met from the store, I only went with initially. Hardly after that. The questions were growing up, would I have a boyfriend, would I not want children, what I do all day ... They could hardly imagine what it was like to live alone, alone too be. I was fed up with being accountable.
Two years ago, after the end of another brief relationship, I decided to start a new life in Spain. I was sure everything would change here. All my relatives live here. Have a lot of cousins.
Well, at first I did a lot with them too, seeing a cousin and her friend almost every day. But that too soon subsided.
My colleagues here at my new workplace have already given up calling me, inviting me, asking me to do something ...
I must also mention that I do a lot of sports. Sport that you do alone. I run and cycle. Very early, when I was 15 to 20 years old, I still played volleyball on a team. I couldn't really imagine myself in the long run!
But I'm a person who loves to laugh soooo, helps wherever he can, speaks, listens to music ...
But laughing alone is not fun and difficult!

So that you can get a picture of me!
I would be happy if one or the other would comment on this!
Thank you in advance! ;O)

06.09.2009 18:09 • • 08.09.2009#1