Why am I sabotaging my relationships myself

Why we sabotage happy relationships

Anyone who is in a happy committed relationship occasionally mutates into a drama queen or causes unnecessary arguments. But why?
Those who claim to be happy on their own are mostly lying. Because if you are honest, many are actually looking for the perfect cuddle partner and the sexually equally interested counterpart who does not judge nightly escapades, but stands by your side when things are not going so well. Instead of being happy with the partner who you have found to be good after countless dates, you sabotage the relationship. And noticeably often.

This is also the case with countless awardees in the circle of friends. Some start a fight over a little thing and then storm out of the room and slam the door just to see if their partner comes running after them. Others stage relationship crises because they want to test the partner's limits. But why are we doing this?

Lack of self-esteem and too little experience

"Such behavior can be traced back to a lack of self-esteem and a lack of security in the relationship," explains couples therapist Claudia Haebler. Especially among young people with little experience with relationships. "If someone deliberately misbehaves to see how much their partner can get away with, that's pretty immature behavior," says the expert.

And that should be avoided. Of course, in relationships it happens that a partner is upset, so the door slams and hopes that the loved one will run after them. But doing it extra is unnecessary. And yet some of them sometimes cannot and do not want to tame the inner drama queen.

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Position yourself as a victim

Instead of provoking with made-up dramas, it is better to work on yourself. But: Small relationship crises are also part of it. "There are always conflicts and this can sometimes be seen as something normal, because needs are different," says the couple therapist.

Now sexologist Dania Schiftan agrees: "Not necessarily feeling comfortable in one's own skin is certainly one reason for such behavior." In this perspective, those people who provoke would position themselves as victims. Instead of dealing with themselves, drama queens simply blame their desire for arguing on their supposedly low self-esteem.

Take a deep breath

But instead of uncertainty, this shows a clearly defined power relationship. "Many know very well how to act stupid on purpose," says Schiftan. For example, some women would cry until men no longer know what to do. A partnership consists of volunteers and not martyrs.

As a proposed solution, Schiftan advises: "Everyone should look at the situation first, not get in and wander off into the usual pattern, but calm down, but finally stay on the ball and pursue their goal." Instead of plunging into squabbles, it is important to keep a cool head.

But it is important to stick to your point of view: "You have to be able to endure your partner starting to cry without giving in." And that has to be actively practiced in therapy, for example. (lma)

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