How do the Chinese media report on Trump

China controls journalistsXi Jinping's app and Trump's envy

First of all: Unfortunately I can't speak Chinese! Otherwise I would have let the new app wash my brain on a trial basis and now I could tell you how it feels afterwards. Provided that I were still willing and able to do so - and not mutated into a Beijing-faithful phrase mannequin.

This is what Xi Jinping is getting at: that journalists serve him and the party like an army of phrase mannequins or - to bring the imagery closer to Chinese culture - like a co-ordinated terracotta army with a remote-controlled speech bubble function.

Xi Jinpuuh

This Xi, in case you don't know, is quite strict and fluffy, especially when it comes to his image in the media. Google 'Xi', 'Obama' and 'Winnie the Pooh'. Then you see a photo in which Xi, next to Obama's knitting needle figure, miraculously resembles the bear Winnie the Pooh in terms of physiognomy and abdominal curvature. The motif was popular all over the world - and since then there have been a lot of funny Xi-Puh-montages floating around the net.

But did Xi use the charming resemblance to portray himself as a good-natured father of the country with a cozy belly? Has he posted happy image pictures of himself and Winnie the Pooh? Are you kidding me? Are you serious when you say that! Xi, this bum, had all the phew pictures, with or without him, erased in Weibo, quasi the Chinese Facebook.

How you can tell: Xi is not insensitive. He understood the fun people have about him and the very poor sense bear - but he doesn't understand the fun of that fun. Xi is just closer to Chinese traditions. His brainwashing app, for example, is functionally similar to the old Mao Bible as his belly is similar to that of Winnie the Pooh.

Pippi's watchword is his

For the younger ones among us: The so-called Mao Bible in the West contained what the title promised: Words of Chairman Mao Tse-tung. Millions of people always carried the red booklet with them during the hopeless cultural revolution from 1966, learned the Radikalinski sentences by heart and dutifully threw quotes at each other to greet them.

By the way, if you baidut "Cultural Revolution" in Europe, that is, if you google Baidu in the Chinese search engine, you will find out that the Cultural Revolution has cost countless lives. Whether you can baiduen the information behind the Chinese censorship wall - no idea!

After all, as a Mao fan, Xi had his bloody work cleaned up by tens of millions of victims - in school books as well as on the Chinese network. Because Xi may not know Pippi Longstocking due to cultural background, but Pippi's watchword is his: "I make the world as I like it".

Brainwashing app for mental kowtowing

No wonder that the old white man in the White House enviously dubbed the older gentleman over in Beijing "King" - without realizing that "Emperor" would have been the more Chinese title. But you have to understand poor Trump too!

This Xi can force journalists to mentally kowtow using a brainwashing app - and he, the US President? Has just announced that the White House will cancel its subscriptions to the rebellious Washington Post and New York Times - and recommended the same to all federal institutions.

Hey, how helpless is that compared to Xi's ability to get through? On the other hand: Trump's Twitter can of course wash the brains of unstable guys quite blatantly.

"Rivers know, there is no rush"

But now between us, qīn'ài de xiānshēng Xi, read: Dear Mr. Xi: Wouldn't it ultimately be smarter if the journalists in your country were allowed to follow the slogan: "Do you know something, speak; do you speak, say everything"? That's what it says in the Mao Bible, yes!

And if the corresponding liberalization of your press took a little time, that would be okay. Because notice: "Rivers know, there is no rush." Can you guess, Mr. Xi, who said that again? Sounds like a measure, right? But dear Winnie the Pooh said it.