Has a narcissist ever experienced heartbreak?

Why do Prince Dreams seem to become narcissists or psychopaths overnight?

Granted, this question is a bit provocative. Because it seems that “narcissist” or “psychopath” has become a kind of more modern swear word for people who have hurt you. And suddenly the once nice guy turns into a “narcissist” or “psychopath”, almost overnight, much like a werewolf would do.

What is the reason for this spell? Where does this seemingly sudden change come from? That's what this article is about.

Narcissism or psychopathy is a personality disorder

Narcissists are not born overnight. Colloquially, narcissism is used as a way of falling in love with yourself. "Narcissism" has meanwhile been taken over into everyday language and often also leads to a moral, negative judgment.

“Psychopath” is also used more and more colloquially and clearly has a negative evaluation or a negative judgment. It is often used for people who are "emotionally cruel" rather than "self-indulgent". However, this has nothing to do with psychopathy.

In any case, people who, from a purely medical point of view, have neither the competence nor the legal permission to do so, give other people a stamp. Because both narcissism and psychopathy are diagnosed by psychiatrists in adolescence, namely as “narcissistic personality disorder” or “antisocial personality disorder”. As the diagnosis already expresses, both are personality disorders that can already be observed in childhood and that can hardly or not at all be treated in adulthood.

If, however, after a separation or an unfulfilled desire to have children or another hurtful event, the partner suddenly realizes after several years of relationship: "My husband is a narcissist!" Or "My wife is a psychopath!" from: the hurt that this person has experienced with his or her partner. Whether this is suddenly a narcissist or a psychopath, when he was a great husband or a wonderful wife the years before, is a question at this point.

Because the narcissistic or psychopathic behavior would have been conspicuous from the start in the relationship. At least there should have been an irritation, even on the first dates, or an indefinite feeling like "He / she is weird."

To speak in retrospect about the partner or ex-partner in this way may perhaps briefly comfort the pain of separation or loneliness, but it is not really processing the disappointment.

"Through the magnifying glass you can see the merits of those you love and the flaws of those you don't love." Johann Gottfried von Herder

Disappointed people are quick to judge others

What does that do to a person when he labels his partner or ex-partner as a narcissist or psychopath? He devalues ​​the person he once loved. It's just that love is forgotten and over.

Injuries or separation are one thing above all: sad.

Even a disagreement in which we cannot find a common denominator is sad, a shame and both wished for something else in the relationship.

"I thought he loved me and that I was special to him!" I read in the comments more often. Well, maybe it was like that. Maybe he loved and doesn't anymore. Who says that when a person falls in love, they can or must guarantee this love forever and for a lifetime?

From this kind of comment one reads the disappointment and the pain about the disagreement or separation. Disappointment, the German language expresses this very aptly, is the end of the deception. You wanted something different for yourself or your relationship. This is hurtful, sad, and may also make you anxious or feel lonely. These are all healthy and natural feelings after a breakup or injury. Many a heartache seems to be easier to bear if one devalues ​​the love that has passed. It restores self-esteem for some time without having to do anything yourself. However, this is a foundation that is built on sand. Because whoever makes judgments about other people takes on the role of a judge and remains arrested with “the case” until the supposed sentence has been “served”.

This can possibly be a year-long “contract” in which these people cling to the narcissistic ex or the psychopathic wife. Out of frustration or disappointment. You forget one thing: your heart stays occupied and you fail to open up to another person in order to be happy with him. Isn't that a shame?

“People take different paths on their path to fulfillment and happiness. And just because they may not be on your way doesn't mean they are going astray. ”Dalai Lama

Learn to accept a "no" and start living again yourself

People who judge others - whether with diagnoses such as narcissism or psychopathy or with other stamps of values ​​- secretly wish to have more influence on the way of thinking and the behavior of the other person. You want to get other people to see the world as they see it as "right". Judging about other people creates distance between us humans. This is often for your own protection. For fear of possible disappointments, lovesickness or changes that could happen if we get involved in the new situation, other people are devalued.

However, nobody wants to be judged, judged or diagnosed, neither as a narcissist nor as a psychopath. You don't want that either.

You can't make other people love you if they don't (anymore). You cannot order anyone to think, feel, or act the way you think, feel, and act.

What you can do is learn that a “no” means a “no”, that you learn to deal with disappointment and broken expectations, lovesickness can heal, and then you can start living again. If you need support and would like to make an appointment, I am here for you.

Sincerely, your Ulrike Fuchs
Couple counselor and alternative practitioner for psychotherapy

Make an appointment now!

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Important NOTE:
The texts on www.muenchen-heilpraktiker-psychotherapie.de were created with care and serve informal purposes. The content is in no way intended to induce you to discontinue medical treatment, to make a self-diagnosis, to undertake a treatment yourself or to avoid a doctor's visit. On the contrary: The information given here is in no way a substitute for professional medical advice, support and treatment.

Photo: Christian Kasper photographer Munich
Corinna Luerweg Hamburg
Graphics: Ulrike Fuchs Munich

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