Have you been single all your life
I am 36 years old & single for 10 years. Yes I'm fine!
My name is Shani, I am a writer and live in Brooklyn in a small but nice apartment. I love stand-up comedy, travel, and I will never give up learning French. I am 36 years old and have been single for 10 years. Which brings us to the topic, because I am writing this article to change your and my reaction to exactly this one sentence.
I'm a straight woman who lives in a society that is still all about the same old-fashioned concept. This idea has always been drummed into me - that simple but extremely powerful idea that some women knit their entire lives around. The only problem is: it is a lie.
You're single? How so? You're so pretty!
Being single is bad, being forgiven is good. You're single? How so? You're so pretty! Find him (or her)! Then you finally feel complete and can begin to live. When you are single you are incomplete. Like a terrace made of untreated wood that is exposed to the elements without protection and is getting grayer and losing value every day. Alone is sad. Alone is wrong. Wanna be sad and wrong
And those are the nice comments that single women get to hear. A gentle hint, so to speak. As soon as you turn 30, things really get going. Then the careful nudge turns into a powerful punch in the face. Being single becomes a common thread in life - not only at big events, but also in normal everyday madness you will be reminded every day that you have failed completely. No more bullshit!
That's exactly why I'm writing this article: To show me and everyone who are in the same boat as me that maybe - hold on tight - we shouldn't not be single! Perhaps we shouldn't be looking for someone else all our lives just because we want an "&" on the envelope.
I've been dating for ten years now, but relationships never grew out of that. Dating was never a big thing for me either - but my career was. I am an author / content strategist / brand consultant. I always think one step further, am ambitious and motivated. Or maybe just career-minded. In any case, my professional drive is one of the traits I like most about myself. Where does that come from? Maybe from my mother. She raised me all by myself and forbade me to go on dates. "Only when you have a career can you meet men". Of course, she only meant well for me.
I don't hate being single. It used to look different, however. I doubted myself and my worth because everyone around me seemed to be "successful" with data - except me. About five years and what felt like 100 dates later, at some point I thought: What the fuck? Why am I doing this to myself? Why am i trying convulsiveto find a partner?
In itself, I really like people around me, but I do got to I don't always stay in the middle of a crowd. And just in case that's what you think: I'm not vegetating alone in a lonely hut in the deepest forest, don't worry. Still, there is this voice that says I have to find the missing piece of the puzzle for my happiness. It doesn't come from my head, however, but from outside.
Sorry, I'm jumping from one thought to the next and it probably all sounds a bit confused. But if you're a woman over 30 you know what I'm talking about. From that, absolutely none Feeling like having more blind dates and then going anyway because a voice says: "You never know…". About never being able to leave the house without considering whether you also look desirable because "You never know…". Of feeling compelled all over go and everyone to meet because "You never know…".
As if these considerations weren't enough, there are also nice little everyday situations that don't make the life of many singles any easier. Or have you ever carried an air conditioning system four floors up on your own? I do. Have you ever felt left out because your friends are spending time together but haven't invited you because you don't have a partner or children compared to them (thanks for rubbing your nose, Insta story)? I do. Have you ever had dinner with your relatives, friends or colleagues and the very first question you were asked was: "Well, how's love going?" But do you know who never asks me about my love life? Women who are single.
The worst part about being single? Going on dates. I have no problem being alone - except when I try to do something about it. As soon as I dip my little toe in the dating pool, I am immediately ripped off again. And bang! I drink coffee with a Tinder guy, even though I noticed while writing that it just doesn't fit. But of course I went to the date anyway because "You never know…".
Yes, it is possible to really enjoy being single.
Now you're probably wondering what I think is so great about being single. Quite simply: life. What makes you happy is great. That which gives meaning to your life. You will never convince me that married people's life makes more sense than mine. Yes, it is possible to be single really to enjoy. The path that led me to this realization was not easy. I'm still on the move, get lost or stumble over stones in between. But when I look at my life like that, make a list of all the positive things and then look at the negative ones - yes, they also exist, of course - I notice: actually everything is okay the way it is.
I make all decisions without consulting anyone beforehand. I save and spend my money what I want. I look at Moonstruck at least five times a year. I fly to Paris every spring. I sleep like a starfish - and nobody steals my blanket in the middle of the night. Being single brings with it a form of freedom that we cannot enjoy because we forbid it to ourselves. We are raised to interpret freedom as a sense of emptiness. But I don't feel empty And neither should you. One day I'll be part of a couple. I think it is possible to look forward to it - without forgetting all the good things that I have in my life. Relationships can be wonderful, but they have been seen as the ultimate for far too long.
I gave so much time and energy to something that was never really my problem. But instead of making this another item on my “things that excite me” list (not having someone to zip the back is bad enough), I try to leave it at that. The sad looks from my friends, the worried words of my mother, the exaggerated joy that is brought to the newly engaged couple (although the divorce rate in the last ten years has been 37.67 to 49.66 percent): I try to do all of this ignore in order to be able to enjoy my time as a single. And the society that tries to make me believe, me must Being in a relationship has a stick up your ass.
There will always be days when people want to tell me that I am wrong and that I urgently need a partner.
I'll have to face crap over and over again. There will always be days when people want to tell me that I am wrong and that I urgently need a partner. My aim is not to exclude these people from my life, but to change my reaction to their comments. Maybe I can highlight the positives of living single and feel less alone when I talk about the negatives by breaking away from the pressures of society, the invisible, missing puzzle pieces, and thought-out definitions of a valuable life. Perhaps that will also contribute to a change of perspective and a more positive attitude towards my lifestyle. If you are single I hope you join me. Then maybe society will follow suit at some point. You never know…
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